LUKAS!

HEY I LOVE ME SOME LUKAS, YOU KNOW?

pranassage

the power of pranassage and self awakening yoga is quite beautiful. as i have had a chance to work one on one with people since my return from nosara i am noticing its very particular and subtle power. i would love to work with a room full of people at some point soon. i am exploring the movement myself, on my own, generally in evening sessions when i have time to give to that process. a lot of creativity is happening as i move freely from what feels interesting to what else feels interesting. deep gratitude for the wisdom of the body. namaste.

a new year, new life,

where have i been since august and what kind of blog appears every 4 months? as my friend jared said in his blog recently, maybe this is the way it will be. it has been an intense few months to say the least. i successfully sold my condo in a down market at a time when the pace of my work and my life would not allow me to keep it. it was the family home, the place we worked so hard to buy, something i wanted for my children. all of the cliches and archetypes apply, and they all had to die. it was hard to let that go until i came to the place where it was time. that isn't something i could forecast or predict. my marriage was over, it had been three years, and yet this other element, this vestigial architecture, which had long outlived it's usefulness was also asking, needing, to be released. it was an important home after the separation and through the divorce, important for me and for my children. it was familiar, comfortable, and across the street from their school. when it was time it was as if the past had never existed. i threw everything i had into making it salable, and that took all summer. i painted and sanded and sickened myself when i didn't use any kind of mask. i was so involved i sanded in clouds of paint dust until i couldn't breathe. i landscaped, i painted, i dug in with a purity of energy i hadn't felt in a long while. i was transforming, manifesting something new, releasing, and it was exciting. it was in full swing. we got a closing date of september 30th and i found a new apartment in somerville for the following day. why stop there? i had researched yoga trainings in the summer, found nothing locally, and got word about a 4 week training in nosara, costa rica starting in early november. after a bit of research into what looked like a beautiful program i sent off my application. and 6 weeks later i am a yoga teacher, and more importantly, still and always a student.

for linda, 2009

the clouds
run to the north
like candy cotton rorschachs
out of the trees
and over the rooftops
a dolphin becomes a circle
devoured by a woman offering her ass
her skirt lifted by the breeze
memory keeps us company like these
i was a boy of formless promise
now a burning man of forgiven premise
breathing fire

forgiveness

please take a moment to forgive anyone who has done you wrong, to forgive everyone who has hurt you. take a moment to forgive life for any victimization, loss or hurt you have suffered. and please also take a moment to forgive yourself for anything you have done that needs to be forgiven. forgive yourself, however long this takes. i am doing this with you. let's move into the earth, into ourselves, as we do next, with a new heart. if you would like to pass this on to anyone you care about please do so. thank you so much.

what kind of man am i?

what kind of man am i?
would you hold me in cold blood?
would you wrap me when i'm done?
would you tell me if you could?
would you find me in the wood?

i'll be looking for your answer there
maybe in the clearing between breaths
or in the air
fireflies dance between our lips
among our stars and i look up to find you where you are
happy
my hands explore your every surface
my mouth a new soft purpose
together we dream and make this happen
our night at the cabin

i'm back now and i'm alone, maybe this is not my home
i'm looking for the extra key, i'm out here naked
they're coming for me

what kind of man am i?
would you tell me if you could?
would you wrap me when i'm done?
would you hold me in cold blood?
can you find me on the run?

yoga

According to one source, the word kundalini literally means "the curl of the lock of hair of the beloved." It is a metaphor, a poetic way of describing the flow of energy and consciousness which already is said to exist within each person. The practices are said to enable the person to merge with or "yoke" the universal Self. This merging of individual consciousness with the universal consciousness is said to create a "divine union" called "yoga".

littanies, 2009

magic man, leaves all to happen as it may.
litany of the infinite kitten, he say.

death and what comes from it, part 1

through the conscious connection with my death - my hades - my underworld - i am rooted and feel more real, grounded. the ego is capable of such heroics but without the touchstone of death it feels unreal to me. like losing touch with something fundamental.

demeter
________

ge/gaia
_________

chthon


demeter, (she is also cthonic, of the earth, and pre-olympian. the roman equiv. is ceres) bringer of corn/grains, thus hope for better in this life and the next. preserver of marriage, bringer of seasons. earth and above. also destroyer of all life. so powerful that she could cause hades to bring her daughter persephone up from the underworld.

gaia, or ge, a primordial goddess, (cthonic, of the earth, and pre-olympian. the roman equiv. is terra). personifying the earth. the earth itself. she brings forth the sky, uranus. rooted in aia, indo-eurpoean, meaning grandmother, thus grandmother earth. jung suggested that the archetypal mother was a part of the collective unconscious of all humans. such mother imagery underpins many mythologies, and precedes the image of the paternal "father". this helps explain the universality of such mother goddess imagery around the world.

chthon, not a god but a greek word for within the soil itself. in, under or beneath the earth. of the earth. subterranean. fertility, abundance and the grave. related to a form of ritual sacrifice, often at night. in jungian psychology, the term chthonic was often used to describe the spirit of nature within, the unconscious earthly impulses of the self, one's material depths.

the quaternity, what is squared?, part 2

so this has me thinking about something similar. the egyptians had it flipped so that the male, paternal figure was earthly and the mother image was celestial, of the sky. geb and nut. she was the real deal, the sun and moon moved through her body at night. the earth, or geb, actually translates to 'weak one'. i can see a lot of connections to more recent belief systems, coming right out of that area, like the more modern christian view. but now the father becomes everything and we are given a trinity. life after death, as with the egyptians, is paramount. ascension, no false idols, 'only thorough me' etc. but excavations of pre-isrealite and later settlements still find thousands of female figures, fertility images, and goddesses. they were obviously not released by people just because there was a new system on the block. they were worshiped and held right alongside the new almighty. they were not of some hereafter but of the earth itself.

so the trinity:


holy ghost
_______

son
_______

father


plus the other three-in-one:


feminine
_______

body
_______

shadow


the trinity, the familiar triangle, plus the body, the shadow, the feminine, as one, and we have a quaternity. a square, or squared off circle, something whole, rounded. the development or evolution of spirit needs the earthly base, comes from the ground up. we cannot ascend without rootedness, or if we do it is at great cost and risk. perhaps like icarus? and after all, where was icarus' mother?

for my yogis

that's it, the twists and turns in high def. i've never seen an x-ray of my spine but this kind of blows my mind. it's called idiopathic scoliosis, or 'without known cause'. it's genetic, but what isn't?

a challenge, march and april, 2009

i finished a 30 day challenge in yoga yesterday. having only done 4 or 5 days in a row previously it really was a challenge and opened my eyes, perhaps in a new way, of what the body-heart-mind is capable. this yoga is a very special process, not unlike the process of individuation itself, or the process of a flower, or of light moving across the floor. it is regular and grounded and attends both the details and the disparate. physically i feel more solid, more able than i ever have in my life. after wringing myself out, reforming, letting go and returning for day upon day what is left feels more essential, and more expansive. process is work. we may see the river as joy, or power or eternal or suggestive of something else but it is doing the work of river. i didn't do the 30 days, i realize now, to accomplish that feat or say i did the 30 days, but to attend to the work of self. to recognize the simple, fundamental work of river as it carves it's way to the sea.

from my friend lee, i am so thankful

“i hope you’re feeling okay. i just want you to know that i love you. you’re a good man. and um, i just, i’m sorry that things didn’t work out between you and your wife, ex-wife. but you are a good man and i love you for it. stay cool and keep your head above water. and um, if there’s anything that you need and i have it at my disposal, feel free to let me know if you think there’s anything you think i might be able to do. i love you very much michael. and give me a call when you get a chance, no pressure. ok then. i love you mike and i’ll call you sometime next week unless you call me this weekend sometime. ok. alright then michael, i love you.”

i do not know what i do not know yet

i see i see
this is not the way it will be
in death throes
i convulse at once touching
the earth, serpentine, like a sine
disbelieving the change
i am throwing you up
bulimic
it is a long way from my tail to my head and back again

some cafe, 2009

in the middle of the floor
by the door
i jackhammer my way, cab calloway style
doing minnie the moocher
jump
the gap between your lips, perfect
super smoocher
your smile says ‘i’m really unhappy but i could be happy with you’
so brand new to your mona lisa voodoo
insane matchmaker
i can feel myself in all the different times of my life with you
birds fly grass thighs sway to the sweet touch of what i begin to not remember so much
and just for a moment i am with you
and just for a minute i am your friend

my father visits again, valentine's day, 2009

my father came to me in a dream last night. he is ready to go he said. he looked great, softer, wiser, still beautiful. black hair and a face like i hope to have some day. we hugged at the back door. he had found some work paying $1 an hour. he was happy with that. modesty and a willingness to forgive himself. he had those qualities last night. a quiet determination. not showy, not boisterous. he took small things out of his breast pocket for children and put them aside. we sat on his bed knowing this would be it. i woke up.

my father died in 1973, but like indian spirits through the ages he has been returning mostly at night so that i can carry him in a new way during the day. he is a welcome presence, he is changing even now. i love him so much.

mom, january 14th, 2009

mr. lawrence, 2009

this is mr. lawrence, phillip's grandfather, 17 years after i first met him. the neighborhood around him has changed dramatically since katrina. i notice the trees are missing, the beautiful plum. there's less shade, less green. and there is a drug house next door. "young people, goin' down that wrong road. only lead to trouble. smokin' that weed. lead to that white stuff, then that her-oin....i see some 80 year old still lookin' for that fix. say you can't go down that wrong road, don't lead nowhere". he's friendly with everyone, and they shoot him an 'alright mr. lawrence', but he keeps a wary eye on the traffic continually pulling up out front. he lends a man a few dollars, a man he knows who comes up to his fence. then watches as the man tries to casually head next door. he just looks at me with these sad and knowing eyes, eyebrow raised with a little smile, as if to say, 'whatcha gonna do?'. our neighbor vera died during katrina and was buried in a makeshift grave at the corner of jackson and philip st. it made the national news. her partner, max, died shortly after. they say he just couldn't go on without his vera. i can still hear her voice ringing through the french doors as i tried to sleep in. it all seems just a bit harsher now. mr lawrence is still doing work on his home. he has removed trees, is planting trees, and is working on his front porch. his magnolia, "it was all hollowed out. coulda fit you and me up in there. coulda been a threesome up in there". he is the same man, softened some by the years, the children, the grandchildren. the light in his eyes, his face shines when he smiles. just like philip, his grandson. the doctor won't let him drive anymore so he feels a bit stuck on his property...but there's always work to do. in that way he has not changed, he works. he had open heart surgery and shows me the scar. then he brings out his pictures from a trip to washington state, where he went to see his sister. his pictures are of houses there, houses that he liked. and some of his sister's house and his sister, and the mountains. he brings me in and shows me his father, handsome in uniform in ww1, who would be 107 if he was alive.

i'm hoping i get to go back soon to visit again and show him some of the pictures i've got for him.

i love photography, yes i do, 2009

my new favorite photograph

bike kill, new years eve day, 2008

liz liz liz

christmas morning, irish channel, 2008

mama jensen, second line, in the 9th ward, 2008

what i did on new years eve day, 2008

new years in new orleans i was at a bike kill. it was the most fun i've had in a long time. these people know how to kick it. jousting, chariot races, mayhem. pictures to come.

divorce, 2009

ade, on frenchmen st., 2009

"ade, you're different every day man."

"what? i have no identity....i have no laundry....america is crazy."

sartre

“life has no meaning a priori. before you come alive, life is nothing; it’s up to you to give it a meaning, and value is nothing else but the meaning that you choose.”

"even this disability from which i suffer i have assumed by the very fact that i live; i surpass it toward my own projects, i make of it the necessary obstacle for my being and i cannot be crippled without choosing myself as crippled. this means that i choose the way i constitute my disability (as 'unbearable', 'humiliating, 'to be hidden', 'to be revealed to all')."

"neither sex, without some fertilization of the complimentary characters of the other, is capable of the highest reaches of human endeavor."

new orleans returns, 2008

new orleans was a beautiful time. i'm moved by the energy and work ethic of the people i encountered, people who are committed to staying and rebuilding. i did some work with rubarb (rusted up beyond all recognition bikes), a community bike shop out in the 9th ward at galvez and tonti. they are open several days a week and provide kids with bikes, parts, tools and the support they need to fix their bikes, build a bike and get a bike on the road. it's also a real community space, a learning center, a place where kids can share time with each other and adults while learning about bikes, about life and about working together. a bunch of us, some kids, liz and lani and i, went out for a bike ride delivering their rubarb christmas cards to the neighborhood. pictures of the ride to come. i also worked with the bridge house. the bridge house has been in new orleans for a long time. as it says on their website, they are a place of intangibles...please visit their site to find out more. if you are at all interested in donating money or time to new orleans you can't do better than these two organizations. there is, of course, still lots of rebuilding going on, and lots of work to be done. our suffering economy is being felt by people in new orleans as it is everywhere. however they are still reeling from the devestation caused by the after effects of katrina. giving to, and working with, particular local efforts is necessary and effective.

new orleans is on fire, 2008

a collage i made while sitting in the kitchen at the 2420.